STUCK IN LOVE
Updated: Jul 28, 2019
I laid there on his bed, staring at the paint textured wall, trying to process what he just said to me. I pretended I didn’t hear him, and started creating images with the paint textured wall, just to get my mind off of what he said. He told me that I wasn’t putting out enough for him, and that I should see a counselor because I was messed up. All of his words hit me right there in that moment, and I believe I had my first panic attack. I started sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn’t catch my breath. He grabbed me, cradled me, and yelled at me, all while I was trapped in his arms, under his weight. I calmed down shortly after that, but I’ll never forget how I felt in that moment: useless.
We lasted about a year and 3 months, and during our last month he told me he cheated on me. I cried for about a week straight, sought advice from friends and family, and made my decision. Throughout the week, he put the icing on the cake – “I’m passed this, and you need to get over this too – it was a long time ago, get over it – you’re a woman, and women don’t cry – you’re being a baby.” He said all of those things to me in the car one night, like dominoes – one right after another/ bullet after bullet.
Does any of this ring bell to you? If it doesn’t, then you are soooooo freakin’ lucky that you haven’t seen that side of some men! And if it does, then I’m sorry and I pray that you find/found the same healing I did! If you’re missing the concept of what I just rehashed, this is it: I was in an abusive relationship. A mentally and sexually abusive relationship. And the sad thing is, that wasn’t my last.
Are you in an abusive relationship? Do you think you may be in an abusive relationship?
**To be honest, if the thought of abuse has ever crossed your mind, then yes, there’s a good chance you are in an abusive relationship – and probably are too scared to admit it, to accept it, and leave that sucker! But YEEEESSSSSS, he will be perfectly fine when you kick him to the curb!
I’m gonna provide you with a list of things I would deem as red flags in a relationship. Trust me, there are wayyyy more than just 5 things that I would flag, but I wanted to leave those up to the research! Now, this is all based off of my experience. So, if after reading this, and you still question if you’re in an abusive relationship, I have also researched and listed many other sources for you to check out!
Pay attention, today may be the day you start to realize that you deserve better.
1. When you leave him after hanging out, do you feel unhappy waym ore than you do happy?
If you answered yes to that question, then something is very wrong. Your partner is someone that is supposed to help and make you want to be the best version of yourself! I understand if you have a quick fight, which is healthy, but what you need to focus on is the result of the fight! How did you guys end it? Did you resolve the issues and show humility? Did you apologize?
One of my professors in college had this philosophy: No one will sleep on the couch. If her and her husband fought one night, they had to resolve it that evening, because sleeping on the couch or not in the same bed, was not an option. And no one wants to wake up angry!
2. Does your partner indirectly insult you?
They may even disguise the insult as a joke, and say like “oh, I was just joking haha”. But, you know as well as I know, that they weren’t joking at all.
One of my ex-boyfriends, actually the one I told you about in the beginning, always indirectly insulted me. He would stare at girls butts in chapel and around campus, and when I would catch him, he would say something like this: “What do you want me to do? When a girls ass is in a guys face, he has to look at it. I wish your butt looked like that.”. Or he would say something like this, “I wish you dressed more like that.”.
3. Does your partner put the blame on you, and make you feel guilty?
The same ex of mine, would always make me feel guilty for little things, when I honestly had no idea what I did. He didn’t really like me hanging out with many friends, so when I would make plans, he would make me feel bad for not hanging out with him. Or, he would make me feel bad for not including him. So in turn, my friendships really suffered, because I always felt like I had to be with him or that was it.
And then, one time on Valentine’s Day, we even got into a little bit of a fight. I quickly dropped the issue, just so we could have a good time, but he kept saying things like this, “I can’t believe you brought that up, and now tonight is ruined” or “Are you happy with yourself, that you caused a scene.” Just to set the record straight, there was no freakin’ scene created! What. (clap) A. (clap) Man. (clap)
4. Does your partner act out in anger?
We are all humans, so of course we will get mad at times. And you’ll even get mad at your partner or spouse, but the way you control it is what matters! You should never have to feel afraid of what someone would/could do to you. And if it gets to that point, where you feel fear, that’s a HUGE red flag to get the hell out of there.
For an example: that ex and I were just casually chatting one time about art, and his paintings. He got really offended by something small that I said, that he punched a hole through his door. I was shocked, and honestly really fearful that if he could easily punch a door from a mild conversation, what would he do to me one day?
5. Does your partner forget about plans, and act like it was no big deal.
Now, I completely understand if your partner completely screws up and forgets all about your plans! Life happens, and I’ll be honest, I have forgotten about important things too. But, when it’s a continuous thing, it kinda makes you feel like you don’t matter.
The same ex did stuff like this to me on multiple occasions. One time, for our 4 month anniversary, he wanted to catch a movie that evening. I had never had a boyfriend for that long, so to me 4 months was a big step. I did my homework quickly in my dorm room, waiting the hours until he would picked me up. The time came, and I never heard from him. Hours passed, and still silence. Finally, the next day, I got a text that he had fallen asleep. Another time, my car was in the shop, and he offered to drive me around for that week. We both were in the same math class, and I happened to need a ride after class to work. We had already talked about him giving me a ride to work, and about stopping at the library on the way there. I sat through class, and he never showed. I called and called, and texted. Nothing. So I walked about 2 miles in the freezing Indiana snow to get to his house, to find him sleeping. And yeah, I was late to work.
How do you feel about that? Do any of these 5 red flags sound like your relationships?
Here are some more resources about abusive relationships, and they go way more in depth than I did. So if you need more convincing, you’re definitely gonna get it!
I love you guys, and I really hope that this article helped you in some way. Whether you’re just starting to date again, in a bad relationship, or have been before – we all need reminders of what we DESERVE in life!
You may think that I’m crazy for saying this, but I’m glad that I went through all that pain and messed up crap! It taught me to be stronger, to fight, to appreciate the little things, and how to decipher what I want in a man.