Updated: Jul 28, 2019
I know how you feel; me too. I know that you’re scared; me too. I know that you don’t know if you’ll ever get back to normal; me too. I know that you’ve had more bad days than good; me too. I know that it’s hard to open up to someone; me too. I know that you’ll never forget about them; me too. I know that you think about what happened every single day; me too. I know that you tell yourself that you’ll never be treated that way again; me too. I know that you try to justify what happened; me too. I know that you’re trying to move on; me too. I know that there have been days where you blamed yourself; me too. I know that you may feel some shame; me too. I know that no one fully understands you; me too. I know that you so desperately want connection, but don’t know how to attain that in a healthy way; me too.
I want to tell you though, and don’t be surprised, it’s only going to get worse. People tell you that what happened doesn’t define you. And yeah, they’re right, it doesn’t “define” you, but it definitely will effect you. Possibly for the rest of your life. But I want you to know, that NONE of this was your fault! YOU should not blame yourself for what he or they did to you. He/They are in control of their own actions, and despite if he/they want to play little naive babies, he/they knew what they were doing to you.
But I’m gonna tell you a couple things that you probably won’t learn in counseling (which I hope you are doing btw, because it’s a total blessing and if you finally admit you’re a little messed up, it will actually help), that may at least diminish some of what you feel:
Take 30 seconds to yell. Yell at a wall. Yell in your pillow. Yell at your cat (poor kitty).
Take some post it notes or note cards and write out things that will lift you up and tape them onto the mirror you get ready with. For example: “I am beautiful”, “I am strong”, “I know who I am”, “I am more than just a body”, “I am gifted and loved”…etc.
Read as much as you can about what you’re going through. When you realize that people actually do understand what you’re going through, because they themselves have experienced what you’re feeling, it helps soften your wall a bit.
Wake up each day, take a deep breathe, and compliment yourself. Whatever it takes to make you believe in yourself again, even if you feel fake, do it.
Pray for him/they. I know this sounds crazy, but I promise, it will alleviate some of your anger. Step 6 will too, lol.
Write them a letter, and then burn it/throw it away/rip it to shreds/flush it, etc. Mine goes a little bit like this:
Dear July 2018/ September 2013-December 2014/ and all the other guys who have mistreated me,
You are a sad human being. I trusted you, and all you did was betray that. You made me feel pathetic myself. You made me wake up every day, look in the mirror, and say “no body wants you, no body loves you”. You made me think that it was all my fault. You made me rethink every single thing I did, as if I could have prevented it simply by changing just one thing. You made me think that I alone, wasn’t good enough for you. You made me think that I made myself too irresistible, that you couldn’t help yourself, and that the way I was made was a problem for you. You made me feel like a porn star. You made me feel dirty, that the hottest and most sanitary shower would never clean me. You made me waste days that I could have been productive, stuck replaying the events over and over in my head. You made me feel trapped. You made my body go numb. You made me feel like I had nothing left to give, but my body. You temporarily stole my joy. You burnt out my flame. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that no one wants to voluntarily love you, so you have to take what you want from someone who repeatedly says no. Over and over and over again, I said no each time; my words, my thoughts, my body language, my screams, my hits, my numbness: all said NO.
Without Love, from the girl who despises you, and works daily to fix what you made of me.
**something along these lines.
You’re going to be scared. You’re going to lose a bit of passion for the ideal dating relationship that you have never known. You’re going to lose some, if not all, hope. You’re going to want to know how to feel okay again. You’re going to act like an abused dog for a while, completely timid to get to know someone. You’re going to look at couples around you, and wonder how? You may feel sick instead of feeling butterflies, when someone tries to hold your hand or wants to kiss you. You might feel sick at the thought of someone buying you flowers, going out to a nice restaurant, or doing nice things for you.
All of these things are OK!! The time will come when you’ll feel butterflies again, and you’ll be excited to get to know someone! I promise it will be a struggle for a while, but the pay off one day will be so worth it; and you’ll be in such a better mental state! Just breathe, and take every day as an opportunity to grow and create the person you want to be!
P.S. for those of you friends out there who know someone who has been sexually abused, raped, or mistreated in any way …. we don’t want to hear “I’m sorry that that happened to you”. We merely just want you to respond with, “I’m sorry; that sucks” or “that sucks”.