Updated: Jul 28, 2019
No one ever likes to admit that they have problems, but here I am, admitting that I do. I am broken, more broken than I ever have been. And the sad thing is, I can barely feel the pain. Honestly, I barely feel a thing. I have become a person I don’t recognize, and a person I don’t trust. I don’t care what I do, nor what happens to me; the old me used to.
A couple weeks ago, I put myself in a situation that took a turn for the worse. It left me confused, and I felt betrayed. I have told people since then, that I am fine. And that’s where the problem comes in; I shouldn’t be fine. I should be far from fine. I’ve grown to overlook situations that play with my heart or my mind, and have learned to pull away.
Because of all these reasons, I have decided to go back into counseling. I have seen 3 counselors in the past 5-6 years (holy crap that’s so mucccchhhh money), and even though I believe they all helped me in some capacity, I don’t think I have had the big “break-through” that makes counseling worth so much money. I’m starting to think, I never wanted to figure out what’s wrong with me, because then I’d have to work on it … lol, yeah I’m pathetic!
I started to realize a lot this past week, that I really do need counseling. Random things, left and right, confirmed that thought. I got asked out on a date, (which I’ll tell you, is extremely rare), and he wanted to be a complete gentleman! He told me he wanted to do the whole nine yards – with flowers, candles, and a nice restaurant! A GIRL’S HEAVEN, am I right or am I right??! But when I read that text, it made me feel sick. I felt so nauseous thinking about someone being nice to me, that I almost said no. I think it’s because, the guys that have done that for me, have treated me like dirt. I associate nice things with: poor treatment, a person who’s not truthful, and a person who will ultimately hurt me.
For those of you reading this, yeahhhhh, I have problems! No, I’m not crazy! Counseling, more often than not, is thought of as something mentally insane people do. You’re not far off, but I believe more people need to talk to someone that is trained. Your friend, the one you get coffee with every week, the one who you dump all your issues on, are probably gonna send you a bill one day! Because, ultimately, they are not trained, and really can’t give you solid advice or techniques that are gonna help. They may have good advice, and it comes from a place of love, but I promise you, it won’t be enough! It never has been enough for me. For my friends reading this, thank you for being smart, not sending me a bill, and telling me to seek help from a counselor!
I’d advise you, if you’re feeling things that you don’t know what to do with, please look for help before you become a person you don’t recognize! It’s never a good feeling to think that you’re a hypocrite, or to think that you can never go back.
I haven’t seen a counselor yet, but today I made a HUGE decision, that I’m pretty positive my counselor would eventually recommend, and I’ll probably regret it in like a month! I have been reading “The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating” by Andy Stanley, and finally hit the last chapter a couple weeks ago. When I read the first paragraph, I was like naaaahhhh bro that life ain’t for me, but now, I really feel like I’m supposed to do it. Andy Stanley challenges the reader (which would be me, oh lucky), to take a whole year off from dating, A WHOLE FREAKIN’ YEAR!!!! And he’s not just talking about going on dates, he means: hooking up, flirting, looking for someone, officially dating, or anything to do with the opposite sex besides holding a friendship!!!!! So, I decided to accept that challenge. Starting today, I agree to be COMPLETELY single for one year (and by the grace of God, I really hope it’s only a year, but He da boss so …).
I am completely scared, and really fear ending up alone! This is way outside of my comfort zone, way outside of my hands, and way outside the plan I thought I had for my life. So, if you’re a friend of mine reading this, I really need you to hold me accountable, encourage me, and pray for me! As Andy Stanley always says, “Before you find who God has designated for you, you have to be the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for.”.
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